It's me who begins to cry or needs to lie down or put my face into the wind.
My emotions overwhelm me. I become weepy or cranky.
Are you alright? the kids ask
I'm fine. It's just hard for me to put a meal on the table these days, I say to them.
We need to eat outside because we are still distancing ourselves, but it's not the meal that does it.
Not really.
It's all the other things going on. The travel to England for one.
The Air Canada lady says that Pearson airport is worse than we can imagine and to get there 4 hours before a flight rather than 3.
I don't want to face that airport; Ned and I leave on Monday.
He watches me, so wobbly most of the time. If I ask, he hugs me and says "it'll be fine".
I played board games with the boys and lost. There was lots of teasing. I am a good grand mom.
(It's not every meal. Most of them are fine.)
I say to myself "You're fine!"
But it's me. It's not them.
I read Maria Popova's newsletter. Recently, she wrote about the writer, Iris Murdoch.
Murdoch understood that we act out a 'middle - emotion' because it is too complex, contradictory, and category-defying for us to know what we are really feeling. Unwilling to fully live into what we are, (anxious, uncertain, tender and terrified creatures), we act ourselves into being, costumed in false certitude.
I turn to the large soft organic cotton quilt I've nearly finished.
It's a real thing and it is very fine.
Quilting and quilts are so comforting in an uncertain world. Everywhere I hear the sound of our civilization being torn apart; very sad and hard to comprehend...much comfort is needed these days...Take care and shield your "self".
ReplyDeleteHugs Julierose
(((Judy))) I love how I can feel the textures of your beautiful stitching with my eyes and heart in your photographs and words!
ReplyDeleteI will also be flying at the end of this month and I dread it (although in the US) so I totally understand how the feelings that are arising.
ReplyDeleteThe 4 hour recommendation is absolutely spot-on.
I am so amazed by the amount of work you create and especially the thought that goes into each one. along with all of the handwork.
I have a piece that has been on my wall for several months yet I cannot seem to get a move on it....
Best of luck on the trip and the exhibit.
kirsten
Julierose said 'much comfort is needed these days' oh how I second that and I hope and pray that you will find comfort. Life as we knew it has changed, I doubt it can ever be the same again and so we must support each other wherever it is needed. I wish you and husband well for your trip to England. Continue, when you can, your wonderful stitching and be soothed.
ReplyDeleteoh my goodness ... thank you for the deep truths in this post ... how is it that the meals I turned out for decades during family gatherings are so much harder these latter days? ... it's hard to let go, but even harder to pretend that it is anything but what it currently is
ReplyDeleteand I love that you finished your latest cloth ... truly 'tis cosmic
Thnak you for this. My emotions overwhelm me as well.
ReplyDelete